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Anna Rozanska's avatar

I've just replicated your experience in couples therapy at a renowned centre (rated 4.6 on Google Maps) with a licensed therapist who had graduated a famous therapy school and had lots of diplomas from extracurricular courses and post-graduate training programmes. He seemed a wee bit strange at the beginning - but I thought that was because we weren't used to therapy. WE, I thought, had to adjust. Then it got weirder and weirder. I went into therapy with hope and enthusiasm, sound and rational, believing I'm doing the right thing to repair our marriage, which needed renovation after 21 years of heavy usage. After 9 sessions I was emotionally destabilized, or overwhelmed. I have never experienced such deep mood swings at such a high frequency, not even in pregnancy or postpartum. I couldn't focus on simple daily tasks. And when, feeling devastated and somewhat embarrassed I told the therapist about it - and I stated explicitly that I fear I will need a psychiatrist, not a therapist if things continue this way - he just smiled benignly (which was, btw, his most usual response to anything that we explored in his office) and reassured me I would not need a psychiatrist. Then he added: "I sense a need of control in it". Very well said, I am one who needs to control - or to know who is in control and who I can call upon. But despite this accurate observation he never acted on it. 10 sessions later we quit the couples therapy - my husband with relief, because he didn't like it - and most of all, didn't like paying for it, and I with depression. Which, I guess, came from not being heard, feeling patronized and even ridiculed "I see things you could not see even if I recorded it for you and let you watch it again", "Don't exaggerate - therapy is not that expensive" (he knew I was a teacher and my paycheck was way smaller than his). Nobody in my entire life made me feel that bad - people who did get close to it where immediately banned from my circle - but I was so naive I continued to see him, because he was "an expert". Now we sit in bed (that sofa was uncomfortable) and read John Gottman's "Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work". It offers more practical tools and solution-oriented behavior algorithms than anything the therapist had ever shared with us.

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